I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
