Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
