I puked a lego.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Randomize
