I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
So much Jack, so little girl.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
