I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
