As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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