The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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