ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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