How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize