Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
