I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
