Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
