The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
