Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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