Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
