There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
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