I looked at my own cervix.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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