He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I could fuck to npr.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
