dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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