I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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