Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
