Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
