i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
