I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
