Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Small penises have feelings too.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
