I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
