I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
