I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize