with your own penis?
I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
