im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
