Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
