im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
