You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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