It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Just took my morning after pill in the library
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
