My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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