I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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