so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
