"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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