i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
