Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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