i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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