Your dad touched me again.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
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