i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
