You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
