final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
