I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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