i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
