Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
