So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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