So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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