I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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