Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
i need some magic done to my vagina
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
