I should be sponsored by Trojan
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
