Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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