do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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