last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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