You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
