I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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