It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
