The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
