I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
